Talentless Low-Budget Productions

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Turbonegro hates the kids

Here is my 5 point plan for dealing with children. Children are defined as
anyone below the age of 12. Exceptions are made for girls 10 and above who
bloomed early.

1. There should be a mandatory curfew for children. They should only be
allowed in public from 3-5pm Monday-Friday; and 11am -6pm on the weekend.
While they are in public, the parents are responsible for having some way to
entertain them. A portable DVD player with earphones is great. Any clear
plastic bag is an economical alternative. Don't give your child a noisy
handheld video game: it's like handing the child a drum or a fistful of
fireworks. While, I have no problem with you giving your child a fistful of
fireworks, I just ask that you do it at home.

2. One child is allowed in public per adult supervisor. No more field
trips, no more haggard women towing 5 screaming kids through the mall. If
you're pregnant that counts as your 1 kid.

3. Children are not allowed in movie theatres, or restaurants. The only
exceptions being themed restaurants, fast food joints, G-rated movies, or
anything with Sandra Bullock.

4. Children in public need to be drugged to make them quiet and compliant.
Parents who do not want to drug their children must physically restrain
them. They need to be muzzled, and strapped down to handcarts; sort of like
how they used to wheel Hannibal Lecter around in, "Silence of the Lambs".

5. Children not restrained (see above) will be equipped with leashes and
shock collars. The controls for the shock collars will be publicly
available. Anyone seeing a misbehaving child will have the ability to
activate the shock collars.

Parents and children unwilling to follow these rules will be sent to labor camps where they will build shock collars and handcarts. The other option for parents who don't want to follow these rules is to leave their children at home when they go out. That's why God made TV, books and matches.

So in closing, please write to your congressman, representative, or local warlord, and tell them you want them to endorse the TLBP Childcare Act of 2005. If they refuse, tell them you know all about the videotape. You don't need to be specific; they'll know what you 're talking about.

Friday, September 23, 2005

Back in maracaibo

Sorry for the lack of updates folks but I´ve been in caracas since last week, I went there to watch the slipknot concert wich by the way rocked hard, anyhow, I´m back again and fully recharged. my life is going pretty well these days, things are coming together (at least the material things), im starting in the culinary school next month, so now I can finally achieve my lifelong dream of becoming a space soldie... ehhh, I mean a cheff, I hope that turns out for the best, and it looks like I might get a job in American Airlines, that is gonna rock too if it happens, we´ll see.

This contest is interesting, it shows how things would be if pirates ruled, and this flash animation was pretty scary too.

Sunday, September 18, 2005

My first real entry

Things are gonna change around here starting today, this started as a news blog kinda like boing boing just because I was too lazy to actually write shit, but I decided that now im gonna write my boring ass life, wheter you fucking like it or not, so its gonna turn out o be a regular blog , you know like the ones everyone does, the first thing im gonna write about is the crappy concert I went to yesterday, ok I basically got dragged there for reasons I dont wanna speak of, or at least not just yet (I dont know you enough motherfuckers), anyhow it was Adrian Belew (the king crimsom guy) this concert blew, maybe I did not like it that much because I´m not on LSD, and because I´m not fucking 40 years old.

You know what, I am beggining to hate every fuckind kid out there that tries to become something they are not, I mean, I dont know where this taste for vintage music comes from, fuck, Im sure its great, but move fucking on, theres other things goin on in the world, you cannot stay there and live that era forever, maybe its because they look back a these times and they think of them in the same way that I think of the star wars universe, but the difference is that I´m fucking mature enough to know not to wear a jedi robe in my everyday life.

The 60´s era sucked hard they had no computers, no quake, no mario, no simpsons, and everyone was smelly, ok maybe they had a lot of drugs, but come on, we have that now sans crazy dudes puting flowers in the rifles of soldiers, come on people wake up and smell the coffe you are either not old enough to pretend you like that shit, or you are far to old to still act like a teenager, it pityfull, stop smoking weed and get a job, and by the way, this is a news flash for all you creppy old guys out there, we dont like you, we dont laugh with you, we laugh at you, and fucking damn it, take a shower once in a while you always stink, but then again maybe is the stench of death coming closer for you, and be pissed all you want about this little rant cause I´ll laugh last when you die, wich will be fucking soon.

PS: The guys paying in the concert were great musicians though I gotta give them that.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

SOAD sucks!

All I ask is that you think critically about the music you listen to. It’s not so hard. Next time you put on a record, close your eyes and ignore how cool the band’s logo would look on a t-shirt. Allow the music to be processed by the part of your brain that does your taxes (or your math homework if you’re too young to work for The Man). After a few minutes, ask yourself “is this terrible?” If you’re listening to a System of a Down record, you will either think to yourself “wait a minute, yes, this is terrible,” or you will be unable to think things to yourself because you were kicked in the head by a horse when you were a child. If the former is true, congratulations. You’ve graduated. You’re now a discriminating non-idiot, and you can fend for yourself in the big scary world of adult tastes. If the latter is true, you can probably consider yourself exempt from this article, because you’re an adorable man-child halfwit who just wants hugs.

A third option exists. Perhaps you’re steadfastly holding on to your misguided little teenage love of System of a Down. Perhaps you’re unwilling to admit that they’re terrible because you refuse to turn on the special part of each and every human brain that is biologically devoted to hating System of a Down. Be not afraid, child, I can fix you. It’s my job. There are plenty of low-wattage individuals who never realize how offensively stupid their favorite band is until some hero like me comes along and snaps them out of it.

I never thought I’d have to worry about System of a Down. Hard rock fans, I thought, don’t usually bother spending their money on children’s novelty records. But I admit it, I was wrong. I overestimated the mental faculties of hard rock fans, which is a dangerous thing to do. Hard rock fans have never been the deepest thinkers (getting stoned and going “what if this is all… like… what if we’re all, like, inside a huge… uh...” doesn’t count). However, I figured that since Tool was so popular, rockers had come to expect at least a veneer of fake intelligence tacked onto a solid core of dumb. System of a Down has a thin, watery varnish of fake smarts smeared sparsely over a huge, majestic blimp of dumb.

If you’re a dim and misguided teenager who hates his parents, you could reasonably mistake Tool’s lyrics for deep. Once you turn sixteen and start noticing girls, of course, you’ll go “what the fuck have I been listening to?” and buy some grown-up albums. Mistaking System of a Down lyrics for deep, which thousands of feckless, virginal Hot Topic pantywaists do every day, requires a level of confusion so severe and overriding that I’m surprised they even manage to drop out of high school properly (I’d think they’d fuck up dropping out so bad that they’d wind up with a Master’s Degree).

This May, System of a Down released Mezmerize, an album so misguided that even the spelling was bungled. The rock and roll press, fresh from lowering their standards to accommodate Green Day’s moronic record into the increasingly meaningless canon, failed to laugh at Mezmerize’s clumsy political posturing. Spin magazine, for example, labeled Serj Tankian an “agitprop trickster,” which both gives Tankian way too much credit and makes Spin look like schoolboy douches for using the word “agitprop” in a rock review.

Why don't presidents fight the war? Because Roosevelt was in a wheelchair, you ASSHOLES!
If Green Day’s vile American Idiot built political commentary out of Lego, Mezmerize snaps it together out of Duplo (you know, that double-sized unswallowable Lego for toddlers and retarded kids). The album’s first single, B.Y.O.B., is the kind of scathing indictment of the military industrial complex that’s usually reserved for lofty literary media like bumper stickers and picket signs. Yes, we know the war is bullshit. Everyone knows the war is bullshit, even the rednecks and Republicans that pretend it isn’t bullshit. We all love to make fun of conservative politicians for speaking in platitudes, but how about lyrics like “why don’t presidents fight the war / why do they always send the poor”? Wow, slam-dunk. Now do the one about the Air Force holding a bake sale. What’s worse, the video for the song centers on the most insipid of egotistical metal clichés: the band playing to a bunch of invigorated youths as fascist police try to smash up their concert. Sorry, morons, your jackboot martyrdom is not forthcoming. You have to be hurtful to the system before you get squelched, and as it stands, you’re still funneling money to Republicans (more on that later).

B.Y.O.B. is dumb, but the rest of the album doesn’t fare much better. “Radio/Video” is The Replacements’ “Seen Your Video,” a mere twenty years too late. This song, along with “Violent Pornography,” really illustrates System of a Down’s distaste for mainstream pop culture, to the extent that impressionable young listeners might forget that System of a Down are turning the exact same tricks as any other whores on Earth. Listen to this, teenager: The Sony Corporation is just shilling System of a Down’s rebellion to extract money from the demographic who doesn’t buy Destiny’s Child records (both artists are beholden to Sony’s Columbia Records). Regardless of System of a Down’s clumsy political posturing, they are an integral part of the system of extracting money from stupid teenagers (you) and giving it to old, rich white Republicans. Am I one of those awful idiots who hates all major-label music because of this? No, of course not, those guys are complete pussies. I just like pointing it out to youth-addled stoners who think they’re supporting something alternative. For example, a member of System of a Down’s official forums writes:

im really into the political side of the music aswell even tho i havnt been to a campaign of this scale before i though some of u might like to know sooo here's a link http://www.anticapitalism.org.uk/index.html there's a campaign in 2 weeks to do with war,poverty,hurricane katrina,g.bush and how is actions are going to effect the world, and many more subjects that i found quite intresting the campign is on the 24th in london if you want to know more go to http://www.socialistparty.org.uk/2005/406/np12.htm i know most of you dont really care but if u do then you really should take a loook. hope to see some of u there and thanks for reading.

The Sony Corporation of America welcomes your anti-capitalist dollars, Daniyelle. System of a Down may have had a CD called “Steal This Record,” but I’ll bet you ten bucks they had to fight tooth and nail to clear it with some grey-haired asshole who was worried that idiot fans would take it too seriously.

System of a Down’s “political” lyrics are trite and hollow, to be sure. But to their credit, many of their lyrics aren’t political, they’re just stupid. Elsewhere on the album we have “Cigaro,” a song about the phallocentric aggression of world leaders and their Freudian love of cigars. Well, I suppose you could call it that, or you could cut the community college bullshit and admit it’s just a terrible song about dicks. Demonstrative lyric:

My cock is much bigger than yours,
My cock can walk right through the door
With a feeling so pure..
It's got you screaming back for more

They have all the rhyming skills of a middle-aged schoolteacher from Nebraska trying to show his students he’s “with it” by busting out a funky-fresh rap. Oh, but they said “cock,” so I guess they’re as edgy as a giggling fourth grader. I don’t know who’s stupider, someone who writes those lyrics, or someone who listens to them and says “this is great!.” Wait, yes I do, it’s the person who listens to them. Those lyrics have gone far beyond the point of being justifiable with a claim that they’re tongue-in-cheek. They’re not tongue-in-cheek, they’re finger-in-nose. Period. And did I already tell you that you’re stupid if you like them? Okay, I guess I did.

This guy needs to stop trying to sing.
It seems that I’ve said quite a bit about the lyrics but haven’t addressed the music. I could come up with all sorts of flowery ways to say that it’s annoying and disjointed, but that would be dignifying their pathetic efforts to be weirdy-beardy. For all their abrupt changes in tempo and intensity, the band succeeds only in insulting the intelligence of the audience by assuming listeners will be dazzled with cheap antics. To add injury to insult, the vocal duties on Mezmerize are shared between irritating but capable singer Serj Tankian and irritating but extremely incapable whiner/screamer Daron Malakian. Malakian taking over more vocal duties speaks not of intra-band conflict, but of a disgusting lack of intra-band conflict. Why won’t anyone tell the guy he can’t sing? They need to sit him down and say “sorry, you sound like a twelve-year-old diabetic with bad insulin regulation. Sit this one out and let the singer sing or we’re going to be even shittier than we were before, if that’s even possible.” I was probably a little too charitable in affording them the lucidity to realize that they suck, though. They probably think they’re great, which is funny to me.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Lola Stars and Stripes

Check the original google page, this is downright disturbing. How far people have come from those humble days. Check it!

Looks like the new burnout will have to grace my console. Looking really good, and GameSpot thinks so as well. Read more…

This is pretty funny, people that look alike. Not much else to say.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Yet another image worth a thousand words

An image is worth a thousand words

Monday, September 05, 2005

Bolsa de Mareo

SNES is as good as it´s going to get. Do you agree with this? I am not so sure but they sure make some interesting arguments. Check it.

Build your own FPS, this looks like the real deal, and you can even sell your creation when you’re done. Check it out! Its a bit rough graphically. Maybe Quake II era stuff perhaps.

Friday, September 02, 2005

Start Over

Maker Alen Parekh transformed an old hard drive into a spinning LED-illuminated clock. Not that it matters, but "the clock that is produced isn’t exactly practical since most hard drives (especially older ones) are too loud for a clock that is to operate 24 hours a day," Parekh says. Link

This is a great gory flash animation!

Thursday, September 01, 2005


Islamic extremists rejoiced in America’s misfortune, giving the storm a military rank and declaring in Internet chatter that “Private” Katrina had joined the global jihad, or holy war. With “God’s help,” they declared, oil prices would hit $100 a barrel this year.

Just when I thought it was just the terrorists that were totally retarded, saying the storm had joined the Jihad, it seems that you can turn Katrina into anything you like if you just have the balls gumption to say so publically. People drive me crazy.

I just can’t see how you can rebuild New Orleans? I mean just look at this 3mb shot of the flooding? Its totally mind blowing.